I love people. I love relationships. Simply put, I love to love, and be loved.
Little things are not little for me. I find myself mesmerized over a tiny gesture of unconditional love. A call where true conversation transpires means so much to me. A smile, with tears, says more than words ever can. I can keep smiling for hours, feeling one with my world.
With so much of depth, there also came sensitivity. When someone misunderstands my intention or judges me – especially if I hold them in a very special place in my heart, used to cause tremendous hurt to me. In fact, I am someone who really loves my work – be it writing, or mentoring writers – but the one thing that used to push a pause button for me is hurt that came from people who mattered. I found myself numb, and unable to move.
I would go into a mode of self-doubt: why after all this, did he say that. Why would she feel like this? Why did he do this? How do I handle it? It used to be paralyzing for me as with deep love, there also came deep hurt.
One of those days I realized, very often I get side-tracked from my vision, or what I set out to do because of the rollercoaster rides. Relationships must be a source of celebration, and not disturbance. And if I am honest, most people love me much more than I can comprehend. Why then do I need to go through these ups and downs? Also – why did I need to explain so much or prove myself so much. Each of us are what each of us are – sometimes beautiful, sometimes not, sometimes giving, sometimes demanding and everything in between. But I can anchor myself into something and not go through the negative emotions.
Somehow, I made a pact with God that day and said – God, Life is going to be between you and me. First. And then with me and everything and everyone else. God to me is my inner world, my conscience, my best friend, the enlivening force, the one who is so close to me, that He needs no explanations.
I started investing more time in my alone-ness, feeling closer and closer to Life in its entirety. Celebrating myself for all that I did right. Gently correcting myself, where I went wrong. Growing in love, in respect, with me and in intimacy with God within me.
A beautiful thing happened – the more I had a healthy, beautiful relationship between God & me, the lesser anyone outside caused hurt in me. I could enjoy all the beautiful emotions of relationship, and yet not get bogged down by the expectations or explanations.
I realized I used to waste so much time explaining my actions or inactions to people. I stopped doing that and allowed my God within me to tell me if I am on the right path. Sometimes it does upset people, and that’s okay. The closer they get to me they understand, even if the action is not what they want – the heart is in the right place. And I wish to give this freedom to myself, as well as others. None of us will ever be able to meet all the expectations. I realized I would never be able to please everyone outside of me, but I could certainly feel very one with the God within me.
The God within me, has become my compass to decide how I relate with the world. I simply sit, in Silence, and ask questions that may be on my mind. I receive the most beautiful, pristine answers. Always.
The world outside will be fluid. Chaotic. Sometimes celebrating you. Sometimes questioning you. Sometimes so perfect. Sometimes so imperfect. Sometimes just want you want and sometimes far away from it. However, I realized I no longer needed to go through all the mixed emotions, or highs and lows. Rather I can enjoy all the relationships, by getting this one most important relationship right.
Which has been with me,
Within me,
From the time I was born.
And will walk the journey with me, till my last breath.
God & Me.
And strangely, the more and more I am getting the God & Me, right, the more I am getting the Me & Others right too.
I end where I began. But, with an addition.
I love people. I love relationships. Simply put, I love to love and be loved.
And most importantly, I love myself, and the relationship I have with the God within me.
It makes all the difference. And offers immense peace and power.
