For eons, and eons, man has been trying to demystify God. He is trying to understand what is that force – in the presence of which everything works, and in the absence of which, nothing does. He is trying to comprehend who His source is, and what does it want from him. What is the purpose of his life. And for every question that he asked, and found some answer to, he found himself a little more peaceful. A little closer to his Source. A little more intimate with God.
For me, too, God has been an endless quest.
I was much more interested in knowing God, than anything that my text-books or school teachers could teach me. I would bunk school and find relief on my terrace, upon a rusted tank, overlooking the sea – where I could sit for hours and simply wonder over life. Over creator. And yes, this particular curly haired, wide-eyed, creation.
Meditation happened naturally to me. Since I realized God could not be found on Google and no one outside of me really had any explanation that could satisfy me, I started closing my eyes and looking within. Perhaps, like the sages suggested, the answers were closer than I comprehended?
Initially all I could observe within me, were thoughts. The day-to-day routine stuff. What is there for dinner. I better study for some time. What are my parents doing. What should I wear for her party. And so on. I watched them, and I watched them. Suddenly, I realized, since I was watching my thoughts, I wasn’t my thoughts. So, there was a me, and then there were my thoughts. I wasn’t my thoughts. So ,who was I?
And then I went deeper. I realized, I had a lot of feelings. Sometimes I felt intense love, or bliss. Sometimes sadness, and pain. Sometimes boredom, other times enthusiasm. I could watch myself going through all these feelings. And intense as they were, there came a point where I realized I wasn’t any of these passing feelings. Since “I” was watching them… there was an “I” and then there were these feelings. So who was I?
My quest for answers, led me to my Guru. Or perhaps led Him to me. They say when the seeker is ready, the teacher arrives. Probably it was time. By Divine grace, He entered. The answers He provided stunned me. I wondered why we were not taught life at school. Why words like love had been so limited to relationships. How come there wasn’t a session on surrender and faith for every child to know that ultimately that is what would get him through life – not the formulae or the algorithms.
What Mahatria, my guru spoke was enticing, but what was even more awe-inspiring was how I felt around Him. Time and space seemed to suspend. Thoughts stilled. Silence seemed more pronounced. And there was this feeling of deepest love, deepest peace, deepest bliss all wrapped into one… a feeling I began to name as God within me.
It stunned me to realize, finally, God was not a person, but a presence. A feeling. Within me. There were situations outside, that seemed to bring me closer to this feeling, or took me further away from it. For instance, beside a snowclad mountain, sitting by a stream, with my eyes closed, God seemed to be a very intense reality. Stuck in a traffic, with worries running through my head, I felt away from this God-feeling.
In the presence of some people, I experienced God-feeling intensely. And of course, most intensely around Mahatria. In the presence of others, I felt far away from God and seemed to get drawn into a lot of unnecessary thoughts and chaos.
One of those days, I had an epiphany! One that changed my life forever and has been determining so much of what is unfolding in my life ever since. I realized if God was a feeling, and it was within me – it was my feeling. I could choose to feel God, even through the toughest times. I could choose to feel God, even through a noisy street. I could “feel” God in whoever and whatever I chose to feel God in. God simply was. It was I, who had to own this God-feeling.
My definition of God exploded. I realized I was responsible for my God-feeling and I could feel it as often, as I wanted. As deeply, as I chose to. As intimately, as I desired. The crazy thing was, the more and more I felt God, the closer and closer He kept coming to me. From a figment of my imagination, He became real. As real as my fingers typing this piece, as real as your eyes, reading it.
The God-feeling has kept on growing within me. And the more it has grown, the more wonderous my life has become. Beauty. Abundance. Love. Blessings. All the words we associate with God, have kept expanding within me, and my life.
Today, after years of wondering, wandering, seeking, meditating, I can finally say God is a dominant feeling in me. And this feeling is worth everything else in life. I keep trying to find ways to enhance this God feeling, and the more and more I purify my thoughts, feelings and actions, the deeper it becomes.
The most beautiful thing about this God feeling is – the deeper you go, the deeper there is to go. It keeps pulling you, like a magnet. And the more you know, the more you know – that you can not know it all. So, there is always this yearning…
Of all the journeys any of us will ever take, I believe, the most important one is towards Our Source. Towards Him. Towards God. For every step you take, He takes two… almost seeming to whisper to you, “Hey beautiful one, where are you looking for me? Here I am… right here… the deepest, purest, most infinite and unchanging part of you. Feel me. I am here. Your very own God-feeling! Can you feel me…”