Sometimes you feel chaotic within. There isn’t really a reason. Not necessarily that your life or some aspect is troublesome. Sometimes one goes through chaos – which seems to be an existential chaos. It’s a seeker’s restlessness, a seeker’s thirst, a seeker’s yearning to reach somewhere beyond he or she already is. It is a chaos that leans towards needing clarity – a deeper peace – a higher purpose. In short, it is a chaos that creates. Have you ever felt this? Or better still – are you feeling this, right now?
Years ago, I started realizing that we cannot escape ourselves. Ever. We can take a pause. We can distract ourselves with gadgets. Sometimes even with goals. We can cover this existential chaos with engaging ourselves in the drama of relationships and feel satisfied for a bit. But sooner or later it catches up on us yet again. This chaos. This wondering. This wanting. This deep yearning. For something more, for something beyond…
These days when I go through this kind of restlessness – instead of distracting myself with things to do – I simply accept and allow myself the space and time to go through it. I ask myself what I am feeling, I seek, I go within myself, and observe all that is brewing. I sometimes ask questions and sometimes simply accept that this is what all is going on. In short, I cut through the chaos. I accept what is rather than resisting or denying it.
So, what happens then? Sometimes, of course, the peace does flood in after a while. The mind tires out. The stream of consciousness takes me in. And I find my flow back. Sometimes, I don’t find the peace. However, I accept the chaos – and I create using it. Like I am doing right now, with this piece. I know I want something more from life and that is making me restless – and rather than feeling negative about it, I am using it to seek, to ask each of you reading this, if you do too – and telling you its okay. Strangely, there is peace, even in the chaos.
Of all the roles I play in my life – being a seeker is the most important. I want to find answers for myself and for others about how a better life is possible for ach of us. I want to ask questions to my beloved guru and sometimes just observe and absorb His Silence. I think it is so special to be on this path of self-discovery and I am learning to embrace all the innate emotions that come with it – including this restlessness of wanting more. Something more…
As I have started accepting the chaos, and not distracting myself from it, I see some significant shifts that have come in…
First, I notice that the restlessness no longer affects or engulfs me. I am able to accept it and even enjoy it. Instead of making me frustrated or unhappy – its just a force breathing besides me, taking me higher, each day.
Next, I notice is – my life has started becoming a much happier one the more and more I simply accept what is. Drastic incidents or painful occurrences are becoming far and few and most of the time I am either neutral or feeling positive. This is a huge improvement from the upheaval that I used to go through earlier in my life. The within creates situations outside – and the more at peace you are, even with chaos, the lesser and lesser the world outside sends you troubles.
And the third, most defined clarity is – by just being where I am a lot of wonderful people and opportunities have started coming my way. In fact, I have stopped going out there looking for these – rather, I just stay where I am and allow things to happen. This “allowing” creates room for a lot of incredible energies to come in.
The journey of a seeker is a very sacred one. Not everyone has the courage to see themselves as they are. Not everyone can bear to bare themselves – beautiful and ugliness – even to themselves. It’s uncomfortable to admit something is not okay – and yet, it is in embracing it, that you are taken to the next rung of consciousness.
Yes, I undergo existential chaos. Yes, I seek a better life. Yes, I am immensely grateful for all that is… and yes, something tells me this is just the way to be. Urging each one of you here to accept your chaos rather than allow it to drown you under. To accept. To celebrate. To cherish. To find answers. And watch how that very chaos starts creating your life.
